Every day I wake up, I think about it. I think about how I look, what my weight is at that exact moment. How, when, and if I can ever stop thinking about it constantly.
Recently, I have been on a fitness journey in the past almost three years that has substantially improved my running ability and performance. I have worked EXTREMELY hard to be where I am today mentally, physically and athletically, so why do I still feel so bad? Why do I still feel not good enough? I’m starting to fully understand why I think the way I think and why so many women and even men feel the same way.
See on the outside you see me smiling, and running, crushing my goals, but in the mind of an athlete like myself.. we strive to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. CONSTANTLY. Even when we are great already. We never look at how far we have come. We never see the true “image” of ourselves that someone else sees.
I will constantly pick myself apart day in and day out. It’s literally a battle every.single.day. There are certain parts of my body that I just absolutely loathe. I honestly can say if I had a knife and knew I could do it without injury I may just alter those parts myself. Why, why do I constantly beat myself down?
Thats where running comes in. When I run, I feel invincible. Even when I wasn’t running the paces or distances I run now it was always an outlet for me. I think a lot of it comes from my addictive personality. Which probably explains a lot of my running friends as well. I know a lot of athletes who are recovering addicts. Even though I never had a substance abuse problem I come from a family of addicts. Running is a source of release. It lets me release so much built-up energy I have. I wish I could put the feeling I get when I run or complete a race in a bottle and sell it, because I would be the richest human on earth. I wish I could explain it. It’s like a hit for an addict. It may be in my blood to constantly chase that high. Always chasing what’s next? What can I do now? How far, fast and hard can I push myself?
Now let’s rewind to Sunday, September 17th. The Holly Dell 5K. I ran the fuck out of that race. I came in to finish at a 21-minute flat which was a shiny new PR and first overall female (yes it was a small race), but a big accomplishment for me. I have NEVER imagined in my wildest dreams I would ever be the runner I am today. So, for me, it was big.
What I’m getting at here is how NOT running is about affect me, because little did I know on that day things would change for me for the next 12 weeks. As soon as I crossed the finish line, I knew I had raced hard. I immediately felt something was off. Particularly in my groin area. I shook it off and just thought to myself, well it was a very windy course with lots of twists and turns and small suttle inclines through a park so I just thought I would be a little extra sore. Any runner knows 5Ks hurt much differently than a full marathon.
The next morning, I was supposed to do an easy 4 but I still was not feeling right, so I decided I would switch my Thursday rest day for Monday and do an easy 4 on Thursday. Tuesday came, and I was in such excruciating pain that it was hard to even sit. I applied ice, took some ibuprofen, and just kept on pushing through the pain day in and day out. Which is what we runners do, right? Push through the pain.
As the weeks went by I went to one Orthopedic doctor who said it was my perineal muscles, my xrays were clear and I did not need an MRI, I just needed to see a pelvic floor therapist to strengthenmy pelvic floor. She recommended one, but of course, insurance does not cover pelvic floor therapy, so I paid out of pocket for an exam that, to my surprise, was an internal exam. 🤦🏼♀️ The therapist I saw was amazing, and she confirmed that my left obturator internus muscles were definitely tight and inflamed. She showed me some exercises, and the next day, I tried to run an easy 2. It still burned. If I could describe the pain, I would say that it was literally like the left side of my vagina and labia were on fire and numb all at the same time. The pain was better that day but still there, so I knew something was still nagging.
That weekend I went out to do an easy 7 miles as scheduled. The pain was back with a vengence. I got through 4 miles and walked back home in shame with tears. Tears of pain, frustration, and aggravation all at once. I worked, so DAMN hard to qualify for Boston, and now this. Yes, it was still the end of September, so I had time, but in my head, that’s not how things work. I needed to be out there training, I had a 100 miler, and Philly full coming up. Although I had no specific goal for those races, I still wanted to race them strong. I was at my peak, feeling better than I ever have in my life, running better than I ever have, and then boom. It all just STOPPED.
I got back home from that run and immediately texted Casey (my run coach) wet from the rain and crying like a baby on my basement floor in my home gym. Like literally sobbing. I told him I was in pain, and I appreciate his coaching and I hope to pick him up again for Boston training. He immediately called me. The conversation we had that day was just what I needed. He told me to take 14 days off. No running. He talked me through my manic episode (lol). He always seems to know exactly what to say. He understands. He is a runner, a friend and an amazing coach.
Not knowing what to do with myself each morning, so instead of my run, I walked, I swam, and lifted. I did what I could and focused on that. Not on what I couldn’t do…run. I got through those 14 days, but still had some pain. It was better but I just didn’t understand why it wasn’t gone. I tried some walk/run intervals and felt ok, but just not 100%. I was so afraid to make things worse, so I seeked out some recovery options. Went to Body Lab in Medford and had a guided stretch, the owner recommended I see a PT with an AlterG Treadmill and said Davis PT in Medford is a great place. So, on my own I went to Davis PT and started a program. I couldn’t even do a one-legged sit to stand on my left leg it was just too painful to completely bear weight on the left leg. Andrea the owner of Davis PT recommend I see a new ortho and get an MRI to rule out fractures and finally get to the bottom of it, so I did. I went to Rothman and saw Meghan Bishop who is also a runner herself.
On Thanksgiving Eve I was given the results of the MRI. Left inferior pubic ramus stress fracture. No weight bearing activities until I see her for a follow up on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Now I should have had this MRI weeks ago. If it weren’t for Davis PT, I probably would have never gotten an MRI and who knows I could have made things worse.
Monday came. I didn’t get the news I wanted to hear from Dr. Bishop, but she explained to me that this type of injury can be tricky, and I need to let it fully heal. Six to eight more weeks of no running. I felt sick to my stomach. Each week, I am closer to Boston. I need to train. However, I am allowed to swim, bike, walk, and, of course, strength train, which I have been doing this whole time anyway. PT has been great, but it was not even recommended that I run on the AlterG either. I NEED TO LET THIS HEAL. REST DANI, REST.
So I’m writing this in hopes that someone will read it and not just shake off their injury. Or that little nagging pain. Go get checked out, go see a well-known orthopedic. Do what you have to do. Be your own advocate demand an MRI get a second opinion. But for the love of god, do not push through the pain. Runners are resilient, and sometimes what you think may not be a serious injury could be.
Boston is still on the table for me. I will go, and I will toe that starting line and cross that epic finish. This injury has taught me a lot of things about myself that I think I needed to learn. It’s not the end of the world. Running isn’t everything, there is more to life than running. Is it important to me?… absolutely! But it’s put things into perspective for me. I need to focus on being strong and working on active recovery even when it comes to my mental health. I can’t always run away from everything. If I’m going to be an athlete, I need to start thinking like one.
I will come out stronger from this injury, both mentally and physically. I’m ready and always willing to work hard. It’s just what I do it’s just how my mind operates. It’s what I need to do.
See you in Boston! ✌️💙💛
Thank you to my supportive friends and family for always being there. You have no idea how much it means to me 🫶
Dani.Runs.Far. 